“The Emancipation Proclamation for White Men—DISCOVERED!”
A recent archeological discovery has unearthed an ancient historical document which has critical implications for those European descended males, commonly referred to as “White” men. Scientific and historical experts report that the document states it is an “Emancipation Proclamation” specific to White men. It has been radiocarbon dated to approximately 500 B.C.E., though some Carbon-14 scientist claim it could have been created last Thursday.
The mysterious document is believed to possibly be an ancient Druidic prophesy, with portions written in Primitive Irish Ogham Script, Teutonic-Slavic Cyrillic Script, and Ye Olde English 800 (or written under the influence of the latter).
This amazing historical document was unearthed during excavations among the monoliths of Stonehenge, which is being bulldozed to make way for Apple Inc.’s replacement for their old boring “Apple Park.” Their new headquarters is called the “I Phone Dome,” and is an exact replica of Steve Jobs bald head, magnified and built as a massive glass dome (to the approximate size of Rhode Island.)
The “I Phone Dome” will be built on the (former) site of Stonehenge, which was deemed to be a useless and economically unproductive, zero-profit, crap-heap of stones built by old dead guys. Apple was successful in its bid to bulldoze it down for their exciting new international headquarters: The I Phone Dome!
During the demolition process at Stonehenge, the ancient Druidic document known as “The Emancipation Proclamation for White Men,” was discovered. A construction worker named “Butch” found parchment scraps of the Ancient Druid prophecy under the men’s bathroom (stall 7) at Stonehenge Visitor Center. Another section of the ancient scroll was also discovered by Butch— balled up under the snack machine inside the Stonehenge gift shop.
A vast array of scientific experts, including radiocarbon dating specialists, archeologists, Classical linguists and mimes worked diligently as a team to translate the ancient prophetic document. This scholarly process was graciously funded by generous grants from the N.E.A. (National Endowment for the Arts), the N.S.A. (National Security Administration) The K.K.K. (The Ku Klux Klan), and Olde English 800 Malt Liquor.
The publication of the document was first leaked to the prestigious and scholarly “National Enquirer” newspaper. The initial story was buried on page 33, and discounted by some academics due to its proximity to an article reporting recent “Hobsquatch” sightings in Rural Pennsylvania (the mysterious and aloof “Hobsquatches” are purported to be the medium stature hairy offspring between a Hobbit and the Sasquatch/Bigfoot species).
Once the important implications of the ancient Druidic document were realized by the seasoned editorial team of the “National Enquirer,” they put it in their next weekly issue on the front page, immediately below the headline, “George Clooney is gluten-intolerant, sleeps with a Druze, and a Leftist Commie!”
The Ancient Document: “The Emancipation Proclamation for White Men”
Portions of the document regrettably remain untranslatable (specifically, the section which reads: “garbla lagu ragu hutu Hirohito batshit yo mama! $**!%+-AAAhhh Choooo!!! ShaZAM!”). Scholars unanimously agree that the following is an accurate translation of the document (especially the translation from the perplex and cryptic Olde English 800 Script). It readeth as follows:
“Hear Ye, Hear Ye, vain glorious descendants of the Celts, Norseman, Anglo’s Saxons, Normans, Scandinavians, Germanic Tribes, and all the others like unto your lot! We, the Royally drunk and depressed society of the Druidic Priests, Scribes, Poets, Necromancers, Illuminati, Shroomers, and Ballers, hereby declare that you are henceforth, now, always and forever, not “White.” Neither shall you be calleth as such, neither shall ye marketh such box on your IRS and Census forms, nor attendeth “White Power” rallies, et. al., etc. Neither shall ye claimith to be that which ye are noteth, a.k.a. “Supreme,” neither shall ye engageth in such raucous, ludicrous, and unbecoming activities. (But you can still Snowboard and play Heavy Metal Musik) . . .
Neither shall ye raiseth thine offspring to claim to be “White.” Henceforth, for all of ye who claimeth to be “White,” or are labeled by such designation, or look upon thyself as such, be ye made aware, and be it made ever so clear, you are most accurately designated as “European descendants.” Hither and thither, there shall be none and no sucheth thingeth as a “White people.” There shall be no beings known as “White Man,” or “Da Man,” and most assuredly, thou shall casteth off all such foolish follies such as any “White Man’s Burden,” “If your white you are alright,” or any such diverse homages, tomfoolery, and skullduggery, for it is highly ignorant and unbecoming—even if you are wearing a white sheet with eye holes cut in it and a cone hat.
Henceforth now, and from this day forward, thou are free! Thou art Freed of the designation of “White” or “Whiteness.” Now, thou art free to learn WHO and WHOM your ancestors truly are, in what tongues they spoketh, what Lands yo mama’s mama came from, and (to which), thee are welcome to return there unto and seeketh thy roots and berries. Since thou art no longer “White,” but European descendants, thou are free to be able to “jump.” If thy gentile tendons and joints can maneuver such a feat . . . [NOTE: The parchment here is missing, or covered with smudges of the orange dye of “Cheetos”] . . “Maketh sure ye casteth not thy lots unto them named Nixon, the Bushes, and Trum . . .” [Document ends.]
Experts conclude the latter reference, “Trum . .” which was torn off, most likely refers to the ancient Druidic practice of voting for leaders by the blowing of a trumpet. Alternatively, it may possibly be prophetic allusion to avoiding the mind-numbing music of trumpeter Chuck Mangione, or whoever that one guy was who had the boring slow jazz played in elevators.
Upon receipt of one’s “The Emancipation Proclamation for White Men,” feel free to turn in your “White Card” to the local post office, fire station, or Circle K Gas Station-Convenience Market. Feel free to no longer take advantage of, or actualize your White Male privilege. This may be emotionally challenging for some. Mental Health professionals are on standby to serve you.
Some individuals and institutions may not realize you have relinquished your white card. So if you engage in a mass shooting, you still may be taken to a Burger King by local law enforcement and treated to a free burger, or allowed to shoplift with impunity at Macy’s because the guards are busy following all the people of color, etc.
Relatives and loved ones may not recognize you, due to your more carefree and happy demeanor. Assure them you are the same loveable fella, but you are now free to be who you truly are, rather than a mere representation of a privileged social class. Please use your freedom responsibly, and don’t drink and drive, text and drive, or drink and text. Thank you.